


It's Going to Get Better

by Kaz323



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Comforting, F/M, Flashbacks, Injury, M/M, Modern AU, Most of the focus is on wesper, Sort Of, coffee shop AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 07:44:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15456579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaz323/pseuds/Kaz323
Summary: “Call me when you get home.”He made a timid laugh before saying, “of course.”“Me worrying about your safety shouldn’t be funny, Jes.”“You’re right,” he said, pulling him in for another swift kiss. “But it’s still super cute.”Which Jesper gets in a crash and causes Wylan to recall the past year that he spent with him.





	It's Going to Get Better

**Author's Note:**

> I had a bunch of ideas I wanted to do for a modern AU, and I was going to make a story with a bunch of chapters, but I can't really write long stories. I admire those who can, honestly. This ended up being a huge mesh of things. I might write another modern AU with a little more focus on the other four crows.  
> This is unedited. So I'm sorry if it's a nightmare to read because this was just a long ass vent fic. I got kind of worn down near the end, and it's a bit more clumpy(?).
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate all the support!

He climbed off of Jesper’s bike, slowly letting him go and undoing his helmet. They had just gotten back from a study group with the few amount of Dregs that cared about their grades. Finals for the year were starting to kick his ass. He was pretty sure that Jesper only showed up because he knew that Wylan would be there. “Thanks for the ride.”

“My pleasure,” he said, grinning.

He quickly handed him the helmet and gave him a soft kiss. “I better get inside. If my dad sees you he’ll kick my ass.”

Jesper gave him an uneasy look. Wylan knew how much he despised Van Eck, but his hesitation was oddly comforting. 

“Call me when you get home.”

He made a timid laugh before saying, “of course.”

“Me worrying about your safety shouldn’t be funny, Jes.”

“You’re right,” he said, pulling him in for another swift kiss. “But it’s still super cute.”

Wylan let out an exasperated noise, before beginning to walk away.

“‘Night, merchling! I love you!” He called out in a harsh whisper.

“I love you, too.” He turned around to wave while he drove off in the night. Luckily, he didn’t have to climb any walls to get inside because his father actually knew where he was. Those times seemed to be slimming more and more. Though, he didn’t really mind lying to Van Eck anymore. It was better to lie for the both of them and the scalding remains of their relationship.

He opened the door just as the sound of Jesper’s bike faded in the distance.

 

_ He couldn’t see the board due to the blinding sunlight shining through the window next to him. He knew the teacher would refuse to pull down the blinds if he complained. Something about how natural light is better for learning or something. It wasn’t like it mattered, though. He just gazed out the window until he heard the bell ring about two minutes earlier than it was supposed to. _

_ “The bell doesn’t excuse you, I excuse you,” Smeet said from the front of the room. _

_ A series of groans and complaints went around the room, but the sound of bags being packed seemed to disappear, except for one person. Jesper Fahey never really cared about what the teacher thought, as long as he got good enough grade to stay on the ballroom team. Wylan guessed the only reason he was in a lower than average English class was because he wanted easy to pass classes, and not because of some awful affliction.  _

_ Eventually, Smeet just raised his hands up in defeat, “alright, just get out of here.” _

_ Wylan started to pack his bag in no hurry. He was glad to have his next class just down the hall because Smeet rarely let his class out on time and it could take a lot more than five minutes to get across campus. _

_ He didn’t notice the figure standing over him until he tried to stand up. “Hey, kid.” _

_ He scowled, looking up. “Don’t call me kid. We’re in the same grade.” He had never spoke to Jesper before this, and up close, it was easy to see how perfectly shaped his lips were.  _

_ “You won’t like the other names I have for you,” he said, his eyes flashing up momentarily to meet his. The sharp silver color had him my shock. He was stunning, and Wylan felt his face already heating up. _

_ “Oh- Um-” _

_ “Kaz Brekker has a sudden interest in you,” he finally said. _

_ “Why?” _

_ He then rolled his eyes, and moved to let him out of his desk. “Who knows his motives? Inej, probably.” He seemed almost jealous by the fact. _

_ “O-okay?” _

_ He stopped, turning in another direction.“I’ll come get you after sixth.” _

_ “I have economics with Geels.” _

_ “I know.” _

 

He laid on his bed, recalling the events throughout the past eight months. They were what led him to this night. Everything seemed right for once in his life. Sure, he had an abusive father, but with everyone on his side, it seemed almost manageable for the first time ever. He was going to get through this, with an amazing boyfriend holding his hand.

He waited for Jesper to call, trying to get the motivation to put on his pajamas. Eventually, deciding he had enough energy, he got up and started to work on his art project for class. Academically, everything was easier with the Dregs to help him. He never really was forced to rely on anyone, but when Kaz offered him help in exchange for small favors with AP chemistry, it seemed like a weight that he could finally lift off his shoulders.

He grew a little bit anxious, as his phone sat still on his desk. He didn’t like how long Jesper had to drive out of town to get home. He lived on a patch of farmland in the middle of nowhere, and the nearest school was in Ketterdam, about an hour away. He kept sketching, trying to ignore the voice in his head that always assumed the worst.

When his phone began to buzz, he picked it up to reveal Inej’s face on the screen. His first encounter was one of the most bewildering things. 

_ “Weren’t you the girl that was caught with a knife?” _

_ “Yes, but the bright side is they only found one,” she casually replied. _

She had a very terrifying exterior, but she turned out to be one of the nicest people. When she cared about something, her feelings were sincere and never misleading. She was one of those people who managed to be a decent human being even though the world has sent her some horrible things.

“Hello?”

“Wylan, can you sneak out?” She sounded on edge, more than he’d ever heard her. 

“Why?”

“Matthias is on his way to the hospital, and Nina and I are on our way to get you.”

He stood up in a second, already grabbing his things.

“There was a crash, and Colm wants someone to be at the hospital while he’s driving down.”

“Is Jesper-”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll be out in a moment.”

 

_ Weeks passed as he worked with the Dregs, and it wasn’t long before he had the option to transfer into the average English class, and the friday of end of term came along. They still hadn’t figured out his secret, which was all that mattered. It was beginning to get easier pretending to be a genius, and one person seemed to trail behind him either because Kaz told him to, or because of some sort of odd curiosity.  _

_ “Hey, merchling,” he said, leaning against the locker next to his. They had figured out rather quickly about him being Van Eck, the business man’s, son and he came up with that very creative nickname. _

_ “Hello, Jesper.” He started to hand him the textbooks he pulled from the shelf. It had become a habit so that he didn’t have to hold his backpack out while trying to get the textbooks in. “Oh, my names Wylan, by the way.” _

_ “So, are you coming tonight?”  _

_ He scrunched his face up. “Where?” _

_ “Every end of term, Kaz hosts a little get together for the Dregs. Movies, snacks, games, it’s pretty tame, but still fun.” _

_ He closed his locker and opened his backpack to let Jesper slide the books in. “I’ll bet he loves that.” _

_ “Oh he hates it!” He had one of the biggest shit eating grins on his face. “It’s all part of the fun.” _

_ He slid the pack over his shoulder. “I probably can’t.” He thought of his father’s disapproving glare and complaints about his hooligan friends.  _

_ “Why?” He raised his hand up to quiet him before he answered. “And don’t say it’s because you have homework. It’s the end of term. If you have any work, it can wait.” _

_ He sucked in a breath. “No. It’s just family stuff.” _

_ “Yes, rich father and son activities, I’m sure.” _

_ “Just leave it alone, okay?” he hissed. _

_ He recoiled at the sudden bitterness. “Sorry. I overstepped.” _

_ It was odd to see Jesper so serious. “It’s alright.” _

_ “I just want you to come.” _

_ It was official, Wylan Van Eck had accepted the fact that he was thoroughly weak for Jesper Fahey. “I can try to sneak out.” _

_ He let out a low laugh. “I’d say we’re a bad influence on you.” Pause. “But someone will pick you up at seven sharp.” _

 

He pulled on a jacket that Jesper left a long time ago. He tried to give it back once, but Jesper insisted it looked adorable on him. He shoved the following things into the abnormally large pocket: wallet, glasses (and case), phone, and earbuds. He opened the window, causing a light wind to brush through his hair.

His father had moved his room to the third floor after discovering he was sneaking out to see ‘a group of thugs’. It didn’t really stop him, though. He got some tips from Inej on how to scale a wall. If anything, being moved was a good thing because his father would never guess he had it in him to climb down. So, he was never suspicious again.

His window went to the roof, and he actually loved the new set up of his room.  _ Van Eck played himself _ . He stepped along the edge, reaching the corner of the house. He swung himself down to get a small grip on the quoines along the edge. He was no master at this, compared to Inej. Yet, being able to do this at all made him feel powerful.

He eventually made it to the ground, his breath heavy. He made his way across the lawn, attempting not to make any sudden noises. It wasn’t long before he saw the headlights of Nina’s car turning the corner.

 

_ Apparently, some rich guy that went to the Little Palace Academy would host a Halloween party that got out of hand every single year. He didn’t figure out who it was until he had to transfer schools at the semester point, but it didn’t change the fact that he was at this house on the Saturday before Halloween. He convinced Kuwei to swap outfits with him for it. Nina was the one to get way into it, though, insisting they must do it right. They got wigs, and Kuwei wore contacts even though he hated them. Wylan wore his glasses even though he hated them.  _

_ There was one incident while getting ready, though. Nina had gotten her friend, who also apparently went to the academy, to help them put on makeup. What they didn’t know was he was already using concealer to cover a few bruises. When they wiped some of it off, it became very visible. Genya was quick to leave the room, but her presence was replaced with Inej who knelt in front of him.  _

_ “Is someone hitting you?” Nina asked. “Your dad?” _

_ He was trying to come up with a million excuses, but he could tell Inej saw right through him. _

_ “You don’t have to tell us anything. You don’t owe us an explanation if you don’t want,” she said in an even tone. “We are here if you need anything. It helps to just talk about it.” It was vague, but it seemed as though it were meant for him.  _

_ The night went on with a similar theme of uncomfort. He decided quickly that parties weren’t for him. There were people everywhere, bumping into each other with a drunken haze. It was odd because Jesper seemed to thrive in this environment, casually talking to whoever would let him. _

_ Wylan spotted him after weeding through a few rooms. A rush of anxiety passed through him, and he quickly turned on his heels to head to the upstairs balcony where Inej said she’d be.  _

_ Kaz turned just as Wylan closed the door behind him. “I’m shocked Jesper isn’t-” _

_ The door slammed open, and Jesper came through. “There you are! I saw you running away.” _

_ Kaz rolled his eyes and went back to listening to Inej while she sat on the railing.  _

_ “What?” _

_ “I’ve been looking all over for you! Turns out, you’re wearing a wig!” He pointed at the mop on top of Wylan’s head. He didn’t think it look a lot like Kuwei’s hair, but Nina had insisted. “Are you avoiding me? You beelined it to the door when you saw me.” _

_ “No! You were- you just looked like you didn’t want to be bothered.” _

_ He rolled his eyes. “Merchling, you can bother me anytime.” _

_ Wylan suddenly felt his face growing hot. “What is that supposed to mean?” _

_ “It means I actually want to talk to you.” _

_ “You liked it in there,” he waved to the door where people were piling up. People tended to avoid wherever Kaz Brekker was. “It’s too crowded.” _

_ He blinked, and started to laugh again. That laugh. “I’m happy wherever. It’s more about who I’m with.” _

_ Kaz snorted from a few feet away, another eye roll inevitable. “Well, I’ve gotten everything I needed from here.” _

_ “What?” Wylan asked. _

_ “He only comes to parties to steal stuff and check up on Inej,” Jesper said, leaning in as if to whisper in his ear. _

_ That earned another eye roll, but he didn’t say anything that time, only walking out into the crowd of people that seperated to dodge him. They turned back only to see that Inej had disappeared.  _

_ It wasn’t long before people began to slip into the balcony. Jesper tried to talk to him, but Wylan couldn’t seem to function with everything going on. The shouting, the lights, the movement. He couldn’t tell what was going on until he leaned in just enough to whisper, “do you want to get out of here?” _

_ He nodded, overwhelming amount of relief rushing over him. _

_ They escaped through the front door, finally allowing Wylan to breathe.  _

_ “Are you alright?” _

_“Y-yeah.”_ _  
__“It’s okay,” he said, reaching over to grab his hand. “Parties aren’t for everyone.”_

_ He tore off the wig. “I wanted to like it, though.” The farther they got from the house, the more clear his head got. “I could see how much you liked it. The music, the dancing, the drinking-” _

_ “I don’t drink at parties,” he interrupted. “Kaz basically banned me from it, saying  I always do something dumb.” _

_ It surprised Wylan, but he wanted to make his point. “But still-” _

_ “But nothing, okay? I like to experience things, whether it be way too crowded parties or calm walks around a fancy neighborhood. If you don’t like everything, that’s fine, too. You shouldn’t care so much about my- anyone’s opinion because you have a right to your own. You’re smart and can handle AP chemistry better than Kaz, so who cares?” _

_ He bit back saying something about his dad. “I don’t even like chemistry.”  _

_ “Then what do you like?”  _

_ “Music, numbers, equations-” he listed them off on one hand. “-they… They don’t get mixed up.” _

_ “If only you could talk to girls with equations,” he replied, letting out a sigh. _

_ He felt himself shiver, and somewhere deep inside he risked saying, “just girls?” _

_ Wylan made a quick glance at Jesper, who was obviously holding back a smile. “No, not just girls.” _

_ Jesper took a moment to look back on the block, seeing how far they had gotten away. “Do you need a ride home?” _

_ “Probably.” _

_ He grinned. “Alright. I can manage that.” He scanned the street. “I parked somewhere around here. _

_ “Your bike?” _

_ “Is that alright?” _

_ He felt a bit giddy at the thought of it. “Yeah.” _

_He circled around until he spotted it. “Ah,” he said, running a hand over the seat. “Here it is.”_ _  
__He still remembers climbing onto his bike for the first time, certain he was going to embarrass himself in front of the boy he had fallen helplessly for. “Hold onto me,” Jesper said in front of him._

_ Wylan probably held too tight, but as they got going, he let out a soft giggle into Jesper’s shoulder. He liked the way the wind rushed through his helmet. Though, eventually they made it home. _

_ Just before he was able to run back up to the Van Eck household, Jesper said, “I like the glasses, by the way.” _

_ He turned, rolling his eyes. “I wore them instead of my contacts just to amuse you.” _

_ “I meant you look super cute in them, merchling.” _

_ He looked back at him, knowing full well that his cheeks were on fire. “I never liked them.” _

_ “Why not?” _

_ He scowled. “I hate having to see the frames all the time.” Pause. “And I hated pushing them back up.” _

_ He let out an exasperated sigh. “But they’re adorable.” _

_ “Jesper?”  _

_ He looked up, the most still that Wylan had ever seen him. He had his complete attention when he leaned in for, what meant to be a quick kiss, but when Jesper reached up and touched the back of his neck, deepening the kiss, he didn’t object. He had total certainty that he wanted Jesper, and this perfect night seemed to confirm it. _

_ He pulled away, eyes closed. He turned away before he could look into Jesper’s eyes. He sprinted up the driveway.  _

_ He heard Jesper call, “good night!” (What he didn’t know was he missed was the soft way he said “Wylan” as the door slammed.) _

 

He climbed in the car, ready to ask a million questions, but Inej put her hand up. She was already ready with the answers that she had.

“He’s made it to the hospital, and he is alive. His bike skid off the road.”

“Oh my god,” he whispered. “Oh my  _ god _ .”

“Don’t think about it too much until we get there, okay? It won’t help anything,” she said reassuringly.

“Wh-where’s Kaz?”

“He didn’t pick up. He’s probably already there, knowing him,” Nina piped in, driving a lot faster than she should be for a neighborhood.

Kaz doesn’t react well to his friends being hurt, Wylan knew. Once, in the year, Inej had been attacked outside of the coffee shop. Jesper was supposed to be there with her, but he left early to make a game of cards with some other students. Inej was stabbed and left for dead. The only reason she was alive was because Kaz was making his rounds at the Crow Club’s Coffee. 

“Hope he isn’t doing anything reckless,” Inej whispered, but that was an understatement. He nearly killed Jesper that night, but he had someone else to track down first. Her attacker ended up in the hospital without an eye. The next time everyone got together, Jesper and Kaz ended up punching each other until they had severe cuts and bruises up their arms and all over their faces. Inej swore these actions would catch up to him, but it didn’t seem to faze Kaz, insisting he didn’t know what she was talking about. 

Though, this all caused Wylan to wonder if he reacted like that just because it was Inej.

“What can he do? Punch Jesper’s bike?” Nina asked.

“Oh, probably just scream at nurses and scare the life out of other patients,” Wylan said. The two chuckled bitterly at that. Trying to lighten the scene wasn’t helping anyone, really.

They drove the rest of the way in silence. He wanted to reach out to the others, but he was trying to keep it together himself. The ache of knowing that Jesper wouldn’t be calling him, telling him he made it home okay nearly broke him. That’s all he wanted, was to hear his voice, without any worry. 

He knew having Jesper calling him when he got home was a little tedious, but the drive drove Wylan crazy. He convinced himself that it was because he lived so far away. Although he probably would have had him call him every night even if he lived around the block. It wasn’t like he actually thought Jesper would get hurt, but it helped settle the anxiousness deep in his stomach which wouldn’t seem to disappear now.

They pulled into the parking lot too quickly, making them all swing to the side in their seats.

 

_ Wylan avoided him for a week after the kiss, not even bringing himself to go to English. He knew he had to face Jesper sooner or later. He wasn’t scared of his feelings, or what Jesper thought about him now, but he knew that would all change as soon as his secret got out. He didn’t want to get his own hopes up. _

_ He went to the coffee shop after two mondays had passed. He had messaged Kaz to make sure Jesper was working. As soon as he walked through the door, he shouted back. “I’m taking my break!” Matthias made a sharp grunt of acknowledgement.  _

_ “Hi,” he waved a hand meekly.  _

_ He let out a breath, and came out from behind the counter. “I’m sorry if I overstepped a boundary after the party, but I wish you didn’t avoid me.” His eyebrows were knit. “You haven’t been in English, but Kaz said you were in chemistry and I realized what had happened. God.” He ran a hand over his head. “You know, I’ve been rejected before and I’m not going to be bitter if you don’t want to be with me like that.” _

_ Wylan opened his mouth to say something, but Jesper waved him off. He wasn’t sure if he knew what to say if he hadn’t. _

_ “Just avoiding someone is not a good way to handle your problems, sunshine. It wasn’t fair to me because it sucks to know someone is refusing to talk to you. Okay?” _

_ Wylan saw Matthias poke his head out from the back to see what was happening, but quickly went back in. _

_ “I’m sorry. I just don’t know what I want.” He looked at the ground. _

_ Jesper relaxed, but still managed to twirl the end of his shirt in his fingers. _

_ “I really like you, Jesper. I really do.” _

_ “I like you-” _

_ “I know you do!” he raised his hands up. “I know, but I don’t want to fall in love with you only to have you change your mind.” _

_ He looked at him for a while, considering this. “That’s a risk with any relationship, no matter who you are and who you are with. It isn’t fair, but it really makes things more interesting. The risk of getting hurt is terrifying for everyone-” _

_ “You like risking things.” _

_ He almost smiled at that, but Wylan saw him bite it back. “I do. I often lose, but can I tell you a secret?” _

_ “You are once again proving that you can’t keep a secret.” _

_ He laughed. “You’ve gained quite a bit of sass since you started hanging out with us. You know that, right?” _

_ “I always had it. I just have less of a filter now.” He flashed his eyes up to see him grinning. He loved to see Jesper like that, and knowing he was the one to make him happy. His heart ached. This was supposed to be a serious conversation. “What’s the secret?” _

_ “Eager,” he commented, winking. Though, within seconds his face was back to a flat expression, even voice. “I know that risking to date you, I would win no matter what.” _

_ “I-” _

_ “Wylan, it’s about experiencing things, and I can promise you that I won’t be an ass no matter how this will end up. So, if you want, I’d like to take you out on a date.” Pause. “An official one.” _

_ “When?” _

_“I get it if you don’t want to, but just-” His eyes widened. “Is that a yes?”_ _  
__He shrugged. “If it works in my schedule.”_

_ “Oh my god.” The way his eyes lit up was something that Wylan would willingly die for. Though, the relief of saying yes to something exact was overwhelming. They had already kissed and spent an evening that would easily be called a date. “Is this next friday okay?” _

_ “It should be. Yes.” _

_ “Don’t worry about anything. Just- Should I knock on your door?” _

_ “Don’t. I’ll be out whenever you tell me to.” He looked at the ground when asking, “does this make me your boyfriend?” _

_ He threw his head back, but the laugh failed to come out. “If you want to be, I don’t think anything could make this day better.” _

_ “I do.” Wylan was now rubbing his hands over each other. Why am I so nervous?  _

_ Jesper leaned forward, Wylan would be uncomfortable if it were anyone else. “Well, I’d like to kiss my boyfriend.”  _

_ Wylan was the one to close the space, grinning against his lips. This was actually happening, and it seemed right in the world. _

_ Matthias ended up poking his head out a few more times before yelling at Jesper that his break was over. _

 

The automatic doors weren’t all the way open before Wylan slid through them. He crossed the room to the front desk, where an apathetic women with her bright red hair in a tight knot. “I’m looking for Fahey. F A-”

“ _ Wylan _ ,” he turned to see Matthias already standing. “Jesper’s in surgery.”

Everything was spinning. Nina stepped next to him and wrapped an arm around him to keep him from falling.

“Just sit down, sweetie.” He sat down on one of those cold metal benches, but it didn’t make anything better.

She made small circles with his thumb on his shoulder. “No matter what happens, it’ll be alright.”

“What happened?” 

“Someone turned and hit him just before Jesper made it onto the highway,” he said. 

Wylan pulled his legs up to his chest, trying to get himself to breathe. All the simplest things seemed to become complicated. The only thing he could think was about how grateful he was that he wore a helmet. 

“Was anyone else hurt?” Inej asked. 

He shrugged. “I haven’t heard anything about it.”

“That’s because they drove off.” 

They all turned to see Kaz coming through the sliding glass doors. “And left him for dead.”

 

_ He picked him up, and stopped at a seven eleven. They got snacks and headed to the park. Jesper held his hand as they walked through the dark. Jesper bet him that he could swing higher than him, and while Wylan didn’t take the bet, they still managed to make it to the swing set. Jesper could definitely swing higher, but Wylan insisted it was because of his long legs.  _

_ That date lead to many others. They were always doing something. It was actually quite perfect. Once, Jesper even took him to a gun range, and Wylan learned he was an excellent shot. He told his father that he was going to free tutoring after school, but actually he spent time at the coffee shop with the others.  _

_ His father came into the house in a screaming fit one night, probably after visiting Kuwei’s. Jan always said that Kuwei would have been the perfect son, but Wylan was just a waste of space. After trying to get him to read a document, he was grounded and under house arrest.  _

_ On the third day, Jesper ended up sneaking up to his window. It only took two knocks for him to come rushing over. They made a schedule, of when his father would be at work so that Jesper could see him. All in all, it lead to some kissing on Wylan’s bed. So, Wylan couldn’t actually complain about this new situation. _

_ Until the day it caught up to them. Jesper was kissing him senseless, slowly pushing his hand underneath Wylan’s shirt.  _

_ He huffed out a giggle.  _

_ “Something funny, merchling?” He pulled away, giving him the eyebrow. _

_ He only found himself laughing harder. This was the happiest he could remember being. He threw his arm over his face, but Jesper quickly pulled it out of the way so that he could kiss down his jaw.  _

_ Then he heard it. The sound of the garage opening, and he all but shoved Jesper off him. “Oh my god.” _

_ Jesper sank to his knees on the floor as Wylan ran to make himself look a little presentable in the mirror. “What is it?” _

_ He brushed through his hair, getting caught in his curls. “My dad’s home.” He paused, looking over. “Could you check my phone for me?” _

_ Jesper already hopped across the bed to grab it, and scan over the texts. “Kuwei said your dad had to stop by and check on his dad’s work.” He looked over, confused. “He apologized. What’s with that?” _

_ He took a deep breath. “You need to hide.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “I’m serious.” He tugged at Jesper’s hand and lead him to the closet. “Stay in here,” he said while shoving him in. “Don’t come out no matter what-” _

_ “I think it’s too late for that one.” _

_ “Jesper.” _

_ “Okay. I’ll stay in here.” He raised his hands in defense. Then leaned over for one last kiss before he whispered. “Don’t worry.” _

_ “I’m sorry.” It was all going to end. Everything he had with Jesper, it was built on his lie. He was always pretending to be something he wasn’t when he was around Jesper, but all he ever could be was an idiot. He closed the door and started to organize his bed. _

_ It wasn’t long before his father slammed the door open. “Wylan, I visited Bo Yul-Bayar this afternoon.” _

_ He stood up straight. “All good news, I hope.” _

_ He scowled at that. “Don’t play games with me.” _

_ Wylan felt the pit in his stomach just drop as he took his first swing.  _

_ “S-sorry.” _

_ “I hate going over there. Seeing how useless you are compared to everyone else,” he said. He seemed almost calm, until he struck him across the face, hard enough to make Wylan lose his balance. He glared at the grated closet door. Do not come out. _

_ “A child who cannot read,” he said, kicking him hard in the stomach. “A simple task. I’ve done everything I can to try and fix you!” He turned around, completely enraged now. “What I would give to have a child that was normal.” _

_ He tried to stay strong, but he ended up sobbing at some point. He liked to think it was after he was kicked a few more times, but who really knows. He pulled himself into the fetal position, trying to prevent him from kicking anymore. Jesper’s watching this. He’s watching you fall apart.  _

_ His father seemed to sizzle down eventually, ending on a small, “pathetic.” _

_ It was a few minutes after the door had closed before Jesper came out and landed on his knees next to him. “That was brutal.” He brushed his fingertips across his bruising cheeks. “Wy.” The concern in his eyes was surprising.  _

_ “I’m sorry,” he hiccuped, trying to sit up. _

_ Jesper ended up having to help him. “You shouldn’t be. Not for anything.” He pulled him into his arms, allowing him to cry into his shoulder. _

_ Wylan felt him run his hand through his hair and over again. All it did was make him sob harder. He was going to break up with him. Jesper wouldn’t want to be with someone like him. He deserved someone who was actually a genius. Someone who could, at the very least, read. He clutched the back of Jesper’s shirt, as if he were about to disappear. _

_ “I wanted to come out, and push him away. I wanted to beat him into the ground,” he whispered into his ear. “I’m still not sure why I didn’t.” _

_ “It would have made it worse.” He pushed him away ever so lightly, now seeing the tears in Jesper’s eyes. “I’m sorry-” _

_ “Wy-” _

_ “For pretending to be someone I’m not.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “I can’t read, Jesper,” the words felt as though they were choking him. “I’m incapable of doing simple things, and there’s no way you’d actually love someone as-” hiccup “-as dumb as me.” _

_ Jesper only rolled his eyes and picked him up bridal style to place him back on the bed. He was careful not to jostle him too much due to the damage his side had taken. “You’re cuter when your smart.” He laid next to him a placed a kiss on his forehead. It was the gentlest Jesper had ever been with him. “Those are your father’s words coming out of your mouth. The things he says to you are not true.” He gave him a slow kiss.  _

_ He turned them onto their sides, pulling him a bit closer. His hand ran up and down his sides. “Does it hurt?” _

_ “A little,” he muttered.  _

_ “Does anyone else know about this?” _

_ “Inej, Nina and Kuwei know about my dad’s outbursts, but not about my- my issue.” He felt Jesper squeeze him just a bit tighter. “Kaz knows about everything. He’s the first person I ever told.” _

_ “Of all people.” _

_ He smirked. Everything seemed to calm down, like the sun coming out after a raging storm. “I know. I expected him to laugh or sneer, but he didn’t do any of that.” _

_ “Why did you tell him?” _

_ “It came up during chemistry. I was so scared of him, and it slipped out during one of our first projects. It was when I first started working with everyone.” Jesper started to twist the fabric of Wylan’s shirt in his fingers. His movement continuing no matter what.  _

_ “No one will think any different of you. You are so amazing, Wy.” _

_ He felt his throat clench again. Tears were silently streaming down his face. _

_ “I told you once, and I’ll continue to remind you, that it doesn’t even matter what others think of you. No matter what, you are so capable and smart, and no one can take that away from you. The only people in your life that you should care about are the ones who are going to stay even once you show you’re not perfect.” As he spoke, Wylan wasn’t sure if he could keep his breathing steady. “I guess what I’m saying, is that the fact that you can’t read doesn’t change anything for the people who matter.” _

_ He released a gross sob.  _

_ “Wy?” _

_ “We’re not breaking up then?”  _

_ “Not that I know of. No.”  _

_ He sucked in a breath through his gritted teeth. “Thank you.” _

_ There was a long silence. “I don’t like your dad.” _

_ “You don’t have to.” _

_ He turned Wylan back onto his back. Jesper sat above him, staring directly at him. Wylan was sure he’d never forget how focused he was. “I love you, Wylan.” _

_ He wasn’t sure if he could breathe. The intensity of both of Jesper’s arms on the sides of his head, and the silver that Wylan was sure he would drown in. _

_ “You don’t have to say it back, but you should know that you are the best risk I’ve ever taken.” _

_ It was almost a reflex. Wylan grabbed the back of Jesper’s neck and pulled him back in for another passionate kiss.  _

_ It was a long while before Jesper got himself up. “I should go.” _

_ Wylan could only nod. _

_ “I’ll see you tomorrow?” _

_ Another nod. _

_ He gathered up his things, with a small hum and a smile across his face. Wylan watched from the bed, sitting up with crossed legs. Just as he climbed out of the window, he made that grin. “Just for the record, this opens up so many romantic opportunities.” _

_ “Such as?” _

_ “I can read to you.” _

_ Wylan sucked in a breath, but he couldn’t help but smile.  _

_ “I love you,” he said before slipping out. _

_ He was already gone when Wylan said, “I love you, too.” _

_ It almost seemed like a dream, but his stomach hurt too much for that to be true. It was like an anchor, pulling him back to reality.  _

 

“Whoever hit him left him for dead,” Kaz spoke in his usual gravelly voice. The news was just as miserable to listen to, though.

“Can we find them?” Nina asked. 

“They conveniently avoided any traffic cams.” He shook his head. “And they didn’t have any headlights on.”

Wylan was the one to look up at that. “In the middle of the night?” His eyebrows knit together. These were a lot of odd things adding up, causing the pit in his stomach to swell.

There was a long silence between all of them before Nina stood up, pushing the bench back with a skid. “I’m going to get food.” Nina was a natural liar, but everyone could see her coming undone behind her beautiful green eyes.

He wanted to start crying. To show that he was feeling something, but he wasn’t sure if he was surprised. He thought deep down that everything he had with Jesper was going to be taken away anyways. Anything good was always ruined. Why wasn’t he crying? Why wasn’t he breathing? He couldn’t tell if it was shock or if he was expecting this.

“I’ll come with you,” Matthias said, standing. He followed her out, and Inej reached over and squoze his hand. Her small supportive smile was oddly curious. It wasn’t timid or some sort of mask to hide the worry and anguish.

“How can you be so calm?”

 

_ It was a week before winter break when he heard the news. His father had said something on the lines that he was being transferred from Ketterdam high to the private school across town since he could now hide the fact that he was a family embarrassment, and it would get him away from the trash of people that he hangs out with. _

_ He told Kaz first. For some reason, having Kaz’s reaction logged in his mind made telling the others easier. “I can’t help you over there.” _

_ He only nodded slightly. “I know. I think I’ll be able to handle myself.” _

_ Kaz only raised an eyebrow, slightly impressed with his new confidence. “Then what business?” _

_He smiled. Everything was going to be fine. His father couldn’t take away everything he had anymore. “I want to make sure Jesper is going to be okay.”_ _  
__“You’ve done quite a number on him, you know.” It wasn’t necessary information, making Wylan wonder why he was even telling him in the first place. “He used to get the bare minimum of grades to stay on the teams he wanted to be on.”_

_ “I know. If he ever had to put any effort into a class for a grade, he’d spend is time shooting spit wads at the ceiling. It’s like he didn’t even consider the janitor!” Sometimes it shocked Wylan how different he could be, but it worried him that Jesper completely reshaped himself to be with him. “Though, he said that if he was going to be reading stuff for me he might as well put in the rest of the work.” _

_ It wasn’t long before Wylan had figured out that Jesper only did things for others, and never really worked hard for himself. He’d work hard for his father, Kaz, Wylan and all the others in the dregs. Some might call him a people pleaser, but it was different. If he were a people pleaser, he’d already be doing his best in his classes for the pure joy of his father. It was more like he put extra effort to hide his demons for those he cared about, like his gambling addiction. _

_ “Try to keep him from doing anything dumb.” _

_ He rolled his eyes. “Jesper will always find something dumb to do.” _

 

“Sometimes, you need to act like everything is okay for it to be okay,” she said, but she winced as soon as the words got out. “That sounds awful.”

He shrugged. “I guess it makes sense.”  _ Convince yourself that everything is alright. _

Wylan watched as Kaz pulled off one of his gloves with extra care and reached out to hold Inej’s hand. They had done this multiple times, and Wylan hadn’t failed to notice how much more comfortable Kaz had gotten with Inej. She squoze his hand so tight, and Wylan felt a rush of emotions.

He might actually lose Jesper. What would happen?

Jesper would laugh that off. Saying that he’d move on so quick he wouldn’t even remember him. His jokes and comforting often showed him as less than adequate, which wasn’t true.

He shed his first tear on the thought that he couldn’t even fully remember what Jesper last said to him. It was just a normal night. Another thing ripped from him. The thought of a funeral made Wylan try to claw his way back to the present. On the fact that they didn’t  _ know _ what was going on or what would happen.

 

_ When he finally told the others, Jesper didn’t even acknowledge it. He wanted to talk about how they were going to make it work with him going to a school across town, but it was almost like he refused to. Despite the sting it caused, Wylan knew he would need to take some time. _

_It was the first week of winter break when they pulled up in the Ghafa’s SUV. Inej was the one to come in through the window. “Start packing.”_ _  
__“What?” He watched as she hopped from the window frame._

_ “We’re going on a road trip.” _

_ He snorted. “My dad hates it when I stay even a few hours with you guys. Don’t even think about mentioning a few days.” _

_ “You’re going on a school trip with the band. Mr. Bajan saw your talent and let you come and fill in for another flute player.” _

_ His eyebrows furrowed, opening his mouth. You’re cuter when you’re smart.  _

_ “Bajan from the Little Palace Academy?” He did private tutoring for Jan’s second wife, Alys.  _

_ “As far as anyone knows, you’ll be there with them.” _

_ “Are you serious?” _

_ She nodded. “It’ll be fun. So start packing.” _

_ He made a soft smile, quickly grabbing the overnight bag he packed himself after he got severe bruises on his torso for the first time. He grabbed a few more clothes and just a bit more trinkets. “Where are we going?” _

_ “It’s supposed to be a surprise.” She rolled her eyes, at probably Jesper’s antics. _

_ He pulled the, now shoved full, bag over his shoulder. He grabbed his flute case and they headed straight out the front door. _

_ Unsurprisingly, Matthias was driving with Nina in the passenger seat. Her feet were up on the dashboard with her chair leaning back into Kaz’s space. His irritation was clear, but it seemed to dissipate just a bit when Inej came back in. She allowed Wylan to get in back. “Where’s Jesper?” _

_ Inej sat the chair back up and sat down while saying, “we’re stopping for lunch at his place.” _

_ He almost wanted to claw his way out of the car, but he maintained a bit of composure when squeaking, “what?” _

_ “Yeah, his dad wanted to meet everyone before we were off. I think it’s mostly to meet you, though.” She turned back to see him turning green. “There’s no need to be nervous.” _

_ Nina turned back to look at him after that. “Yeah, Mr. Fahey is one of the best people I know. The only person he doesn’t really like is Kaz, and even then he’s incredibly polite. And Matthias is meeting him for the first time today, too.” _

_ Jesper talked about his dad in a very high light, and Wylan didn’t want to disappoint. He ran over the moment in his head when he had to meet him, but he still wasn’t ready. No one ever follows the script he prepares for in his mind. He glanced at Kaz who didn’t seem to have anything to say on the matter, which was odd. Kaz wasn’t one that people easily got along with, but Wylan had to wonder if it bothered him that Colm Fahey didn’t like him. _

_ The rest of the way to the house, Nina and Matthias were arguing about music. They had recently moved in together, after Nina’s mother kicked her out and Matthias moved out on his own accord after he turned eighteen. You’d think they’d learn to agree more, but they playfully bickered even more often. Inej and Kaz put in their own headphones, and Wylan was left alone with his thoughts. _

_ They pulled into their dirt driveway, and Wylan was hesitant to leave his seat when Inej pulled hers forward. Jesper was quick to run out, and greet them all. As they all chatted, Jesper quickly realized where Wylan was. Instead of begging him to get out, he climbed in and sat next to him. “What are you over thinking?” _

_ He swallowed. “What if your dad doesn’t like me?” _

_ He tilted his head. “I guess we’ll have to run away together.” _

_ He was obviously joking, but deep down, the comment meant a lot. Wylan felt a little lighter as he spoke.  _

_ “Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll love you. The only friend of mine he has questioned is Kaz.” _

_ “I heard.” _

_ “He thinks he’s a bad example or something. You, on the other hand, are quite the opposite,” he said, curling and arm around him. “I love you, and he’ll love you, too.” They were less than an inch apart, which led to a very soft kiss.  _

_ “This is going to be fun,” he added after they pulled apart, “I promise.” _

_ He knit their fingers together and pulled him out of the car. He couldn’t help but smile as Jesper pulled him into a spinning hug. “Ah! I’ve been waiting to do that all day.” Wylan only muttered something about being embarrassing into his boyfriend’s ear.  _

_ Nina laughed, and opened the door to let them all in. _

_ Jesper’s dad wasn’t what he was expecting, but had a similar energy to Jesper nonetheless. He stood in the kitchen slowly stirring a pot on the stove. “Nina, Inej, it’s good to see you two doing well.”  He looked at the bulky one standing in the doorway. “And you must be Mr. Helvar.”  _

_ He nodded. “Yes, sir.” _

_ “I don’t know how Nina landed someone so polite,” he chuckled, pulling whatever he was cooking off of the stove. “I hope your living conditions are sound.” _

_ “Our apartment is very stable. I’m just lucky we can afford it.” Kaz had not so secretly given them a slight raise and more hours for them to be able to handle the change. He never wanted to make his good will public, but somehow it managed to be there anyways. _

_ “We make things work,” Nina said. _

_ Jesper willed Matthias out of the way, and pulled Wylan into the room. “H-hello,” he felt the breath in his lungs disappear as he tried to speak.  _

_ “Wylan,” he offered a soft smile. “I’ve wanted to meet you for a long time.” _

_ “I-” he paused, and nodded. “And I you, sir.” _

_ He laughed again. “Everyone is so formal today.” _

_ Jesper stood behind him, a hand on both of his shoulders. He planted a small kiss on the back of he head.  _

_ “Your son is really amazing.” _

_ He only smiled.  _

_ They ate lunch with a series of conversations that Wylan couldn’t keep track of. He never really noticed how little they actually got to do this. There was always some sort of scheme or plan they had to execute on different people. Wylan’s eyes strayed to Jesper who sat across from him.  _

_ Matthias was the one to start cleaning up. Nina and Jesper quickly joined them. Inej started washing dishes while Kaz dried them. They made quick work, but the picture they painted was almost perfect. He liked the idea that this is what a family was supposed to be.  _

_ “Wylan.” _

_ He turned around to face Colm, sucking in a quick breath. “Thank you for coming over.” He still sat at the table, and he patted the seat next to him. _

_ “I’m glad I did.” He sat down. _

_ “Jesper is very fond of you.” _

_ He looked through the doorway to see him talking to Nina, while putting things into tupperware. “I’m fond of him.” _

_ “You’re good for him,” he said. “I think you do well together.” _

_ “I hope so,” he said without thinking. He looked back at him. “I mean- I-” He wasn’t sure why he was so worried about what he said. “I just think he does a lot more for me than I do for him.” _

_ He shook his head. “I doubt that.” Pause. “He’s mentioned a little bit about your home life.” _

_ Wylan’s stomach nearly jumped up his throat, and he leaned back just a bit before saying, “he has?” _

_ “Not much, really. He just mentions vague things because he worries about you.”  _

_ “Oh,” he replied dumbly. _

_ “I want you to know that you have a place here, just in case. No matter on how things go with Jesper.” _

_ His eyes widened. “What?” _

_ “Think of us as your safety net.” _

_ Another huge breath. “I don’t want to intrude.” _

_ “I’m the one offering. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it, Wylan.” _

_ He nodded, hoping tears wouldn’t start to swell in his eyes. “Thank you.” _

_ Colm stood up. “It’s my pleasure. You’ve helped Jesper be happier than he has been in a long time.” He walked into the other room, leaving Wylan to wonder if that had been a hallucination. _

_ “Let’s GO!” Nina shouted at everyone.  _

_ “Thank you so much, Mr. Fahey,” Matthias said. _

_ “Thanks for having us!” Inej.  _

_ “You guys make for good guests,” he said. _

_ Wylan walked in as Jesper gave his dad a hug. “Bye, dad. I’ll see you in a few days.” _

_ “I love you.” _

_ “I love you, too.”  _

_ With that, they were all waved out the door and back into the SUV. _

_ Jesper held him close in the back seat, whispering small encouragements. _

_ Wylan had to turn to him, smiling. “I love you.” _

_ Jesper pulled him into a kiss, causing Kaz to yell at them. “I love you, too,” he said while playing with Wylan’s curls. _

“Mr. Fahey,” Inej stood up before Wylan had even seen him rush in.

“Have you heard anything?”

She shook her head, but Wylan couldn’t bring himself to even look up at him. The Faheys had been perfect, and more than welcoming, and now, when it all came down to it, Wylan couldn’t do anything to fix this.

There was a part of Wylan that expected everyone to break at a certain point. Everyone would hate him one day. 

Although, Colm didn’t start yelling or blaming anyone. He sat next to Wylan, and pulled him into his side, allowing Wylan to put all of his weight on him. “How’re you holding up?”

“Fine,” he replied going weak.

“I’m not sure I can say the same.”

“I’m sorry,” he croaked. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

He didn’t have anything to say to that. He felt like this was his fault, even though it was nearly impossible that it was. Maybe it was because good things always broke when they were placed around him. It was only a matter of time before Jesper would have gotten caught up in it.

“I don’t want you to think this is your fault.”

“It isn’t either of your faults,” Inej spoke up. She was a voice of reason. She was probably the only reason him and Jesper were still together.

_ They never fought like this before. Wylan felt his stomach dropping every second. Jesper wasn’t yelling. Actually, he was rather calm, with a small bite to his words. “I don’t know why you keep defending him.” He paced around the garden of the Van Eck estate. They had been hiding out there for the past hour. It had started with a wince when Jesper lifted him up while kissing. He knew right away what had happened. It lead to this. _

_ “He’s my father, Jes.” He huffed, and folded his arms. He felt the need to defend himself to everything Jesper was saying for the first time since they had met. _

_ He shook his head, as if he was in defeat.  _

_ Wylan felt cornered. It started with Jesper making small insults to his father during a conversation, and then it turned quickly to him bringing up the fact that he should just leave. He didn’t understand, and Wylan was wondering if he ever would. _

_ “I just wish I knew that you were safe here. I hate him,” Jesper leaned forward to brush some of the curls on the side of his face, but Wylan instinctively flinched. He put his hand down immediately. _

_ “We don’t need to talk about it anymore.” He looked up into his eyes. “Please.” _

_ “He’s just a bad guy,” he said, taking a step back. _

_ Wylan wasn’t sure why he was so close to crying. Everything was fine. Jesper just wanted to protect him, of sorts. Yet, he wanted to run away. It was just another way of someone trying to control him. “He’s not. You don’t know him.” _

_ “How can you say that?” _

_ “He just got a shit son, and didn’t know what to do.”  _

_ That seemed to piss him off. “You don’t get to act out because you don’t get the kid you wanted.” He threw his head back. “Do you think my dad wanted a disaster like me?” _

_ He didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to do.  _

_ “I know that you love him, and that he’s your father, but I just want you to be open to the idea of getting out of here.” He waved his hand towards the estate.  _

_ “I have a year and a half left.”  _

_ “Okay, but you could spend your senior year safe and happy.” _

_ He scowled. “This is my life. You need to drop it.” _

_Jesper raised his hands in defense. “I just hate that your being hurt.” He was pacing, now. Wylan couldn’t deny that he was beautiful, the sunset and roses growing behind him. “I can’t just let that go.”_ _  
__He clenched his teeth. “Then maybe we need to take a step back.”_

_ Everything stopped. He didn’t even turn back to look at him. “What do you mean?” _

_ “Maybe we need to break this off.” Wylan didn’t believe his own words.  _

_ He faced him with a soft smile. “You want that?” _

_ “If you can’t let this go, then I can’t be with you.” _

_ “I can’t.” _

_ “Then,” he paused. “It’s over.” _

_ “Okay.” _

_ Deep inside, he wanted Jesper to fight him. To know that their relationship was worth something, but Jesper was never one to force someone into something. He walked toward him, planting a soft kiss onto his forehead. “I love you.” _

_ His gut was telling him to let it go. He didn’t want Jesper to hate him.  _

_ “For the record, the risk was worth it. I hope it was for you, too, Wylan.” _

_ Wylan ducked his head. “It was.” _

_ “Thank you.” _

_ With that, he started to walk off. “But, I’m sure I’ll still see you around. Kaz won’t let you out of your contract that easily.” _

_ He nodded. “I know.” _

_ He sat himself onto a stone bench nearby, and for a moment, everything seemed okay. There was a chance it was just denial. _

 

His leg started bouncing, and Inej began telling a story about a customer she had at the coffee shop. He wasn’t really listening, though. He knew she wasn’t trying to draw the attention to herself, but Wylan couldn’t help but feel defensive about it. Jesper could be dead and she was talking about work.  _ She’s just trying to keep you from thinking that _ .

Luckily, Nina and Matthias came in with subs wrapped in paper. Nina’s eyes were glassy from crying, but no one commented. They passed out sandwiches, even Kaz took one. 

He unwrapped it, but couldn’t bring it to his mouth.

“I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose him.” Colm put his head in his hands. Jesper had told Wylan many stories about his father and mother. They were so in love, and were some of the best role models. Though, when his mother got sick, his father became so much more scared. He even put Jesper in home school for a few years. He couldn’t bare the thought of losing someone else.

“We’ll help you with anything.” Wylan looked up to make sure it was actually him. Kaz was the one offering. “No matter what happens.”

Colm only nodded in response, his gaze going back to the floor.

That was when Wylan started to eat, but it came to a quick stop when a nurse came out to speak with Colm. She pulled him aside to “get some information about the patient.”

_ Wylan was crying. It was stupid, but he had gone back to the coffee shop just a week after they broke up, only to find that Jesper was already moving on with Kuwei. The thought actually enraged him.  _

_ Now, what he technically walked in on was Kuwei pulling him into a kiss and Jesper not pushing him away. Sure, Jesper deserved a chance to move on, but now it was being shoved in his face. _

_ He was actually going to try and talk to Jesper. Maybe, at the slight chance of getting back together. He regretted the break up not long after it happened. Inej and Matthias stopped by his house and talked about anything he needed, but Wylan didn’t want to talk about the break up. Inej was the one to talk some sense into him, though. _

_ He decided he wanted to fix it. He asked Genya to drive him to the coffee shop. She agreed because she got the chance to see Nina. _

_ Wylan had a strict plan of wallowing, but it got interrupted by taps against his windows. He got up and looked out to see Jesper with a handful of pebbles, getting ready to toss another one. _

_ He slid open his window, and Jesper began to climb up. _

_ Maybe Wylan could have closed the window or walked off, but he just sat there, waiting.  _

_ “Hey, merchling.” He perched himself on his window seal. _

_ “Jesper.” _

_ “Kaz wanted me to tell you that he won’t be in chem tomorrow, but he needs you to copy all of the work.” _

_ He rolled his eyes. “He could have sent a message.” _

_ “He probably knows that.” He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to get the words out. “What happened with Kuwei-” _

_ “It doesn’t matter,” he went to his desk to pretend he was drawing earlier. “You can kiss whoever you want.” Honestly, he just didn’t want Jesper to see his face anymore, worried he might break. _

_ “I just don’t understand.” He frowned, now staring forward. “Every time someone breaks up with me, I’m sad, but I see it coming. You-” He sucked in a breath. “I just thought we were happy.” _

_ Wylan couldn’t bring the words to his mouth.  _

_ “Maybe you weren’t.” He finally exhaled. He was speaking unusually slow, and all of his normal movement seemed to be funneling out. Though, he continued to let his leg bounce. “I know you don’t owe me any explanation, but I can’t figure it out.” _

_ The moon made a beautiful silhouette, and Wylan realized he might have taken for granted how beautiful his boyfriend was. _

_ “I get it, though. Maybe I just needed time to figure out why you wouldn’t accept help.” He sighed and sat back. “This is your home and life. I had no right to act as though I had a choice in the matter. I just realized it too late, you know?” _

_ Wylan looked up. “ I let my father ruin everything for me. He raised me. I should be able to trust him.” Inej and Matthias had been the ones to talk to him about the break up, and both of them compared their abuse to the situation. Continually saying that their abusers didn’t  _ want  _ them to be happy. Even if they should. _

_ “What?” _

_ “I never thought getting out of here was a choice. Just like I never thought anyone could love someone like me.” He wanted Jesper to reach out to him, but he knew there was too much unsaid, making the atmosphere unbelievably heavy. “He made me believe this. I want to believe that every beating will be the last, and one day he’ll find a way to love me.” _

_ “Wy-” _

_ “Though every time, I get closer to giving up on that,” he said, looking away. “I’m tired of letting Jan take things from me.” He looked up, his vision getting a bit blurry. “I need time to accept some simple things. You’ve been overwhelmingly supportive, and I just had to… get used to that. I was scared, for no good reason.” _

_ Jesper just listened, staring out the window now. _

_ “You had my best interests, but I didn’t know how to react because even I don’t have my own best interests.” Wylan realized he’d have to do this now. He had to try and do something. “I know I have no reason to get any sympathy from you, but Jesper,” he inhaled. “I’m still in love with you.” _

_ “I’d hope so. Feelings like that don’t just go away in a week.” _

_ He sighed. “No. They don’t.” Wylan stared at Jesper, with him facing away. “I don’t deserve a second chance after I blew you off like that.” _

_ “I respected your choice.” _

_ “I make incredibly dumb choices, sometimes.”  _

_ Jesper smirked at that, finally turning to him. “So, you’re saying that you want me,” he gestured up and down himself. “In all of my glory again.” _

_ He rolled his eyes, but smiling. Throughout all the stupid comments, he was happiest with Jesper. “Yes.” _

_ “Who am I to deny you something so amazing?” _

_ “Oh my god,” he hissed, covering his blushing face. His comments were getting more embarrassing with every passing second. “I missed you.” _

_ Wylan inched towards the window, while Jesper reached out to his. He grabbed the boy’s hand, letting them hang in the space between them. “I missed you, too.” _

_ When he got close enough, Jesper reached up and stroked Wylan’s cheek, but when Wylan went in for a kiss, he put a finger in between it. “Nuh uh. You owe me a fantastic date before you get these lips again.” _

_ He chuckled. “Alright. I’ll have to plan it quick because I’m not sure how long this can go on.” _

 

He wanted to know what they were saying so bad. He was tempted to ask Kaz if he could get them back there with Colm, but he didn’t dare try and push any favors from the boy with the sharp glare.

Luckily, it wasn’t long before Colm wandered back into the lobby, where everyone had the same look of expectancy.

There were light tears in his eyes, and Wylan’s ability to comprehend other people’s emotions went out the window. “Is he alright?”

He nodded. “He just got out of surgery. There was a bad head injury, but it’s common among motorcycle incidents. He also had a fractured collarbone, which was more severe.”

“He’ll be okay, though?” Nina asked.

Mr. Fahey nodded, wiping the tears from behind his glasses. “Should make a full recovery.”

It seemed as though everyone had been holding their breath and this was the first chance all of them got to exhale. “Thank god,” Nina said, reaching over and clutching both Matthias’ and Wylan’s hand.

“We’re going to be okay,” Inej said, catching Nina’s gaze.

_ We _ . Wylan glanced at all of them. It was nearing midnight, and they all showed up in an instant to be there waiting for Jesper. While they all had their own issues, it was a little bit more manageable when they stood together.

_ “What are you doing here?” Wylan stood quickly at the lunch table. He wasn’t all that attatched to the group he hung around at the academy. There was a lot more drama than the dregs, and they’re all a lot less confrontational. _

_ “Coming to visit my amazing boyfriend.”  _

_ Things had worked out between them, and while they had things to sort through, Jesper was there with him. He pulled him into his arms, while giving Wylan a swift kiss. _

_ “Jesper,” Genya acknowledged, her arm linked with David. _

_ “Hey, sweetie.” He winked, but didn’t let go of Wylan. _

_ Wylan stared at him for a minute. “Wait. Are you ditching class?” _

_He made a scoff. “That doesn’t sound like me at all.”_ _  
__That was when he saw the others lined up at the door to the cafeteria. Matthias seemed more annoyed than anything else._

_ “How would you feel about having lunch with us?” _

_ “NINA!” Genya stood up and ran across the room to put her friend into a bone crushing hug. They didn’t see each other very often, but you’d think it had been years. _

_ “I-” _

_ “Hey, Zoya. How about lunch out of this hell hole?” Jesper asked, only to receive a scowl. _

_ “Don’t talk to me, Fahey.” _

_ He shrugged, turning back to Wylan with a small grin on his face. “How about it?” _

_ “I don’t know. I only have twenty minutes left in lunch.” _

_ Zoya gave another eyeroll to that. “Please, you have theatre next and these guys will forge an excuse note if you really needed. They’re horrible company.” _

_ “That’s so nice of you,” Jesper said, dripping with sarcasm. “Why don’t you go put your nose back up Nikolai’s ass.” _

_ From the other side of the table, he cackled. _

_ “Good to see you, princely.” _

_ Nikolai made a small wave.  _

_ Wylan had never seen these two groups interact, but he had to admit it was exciting.  _

_ “We can go to lunch.” _

_ They went to a small diner on the side of town. Nikolai and crew ended up inviting themselves. They piled themselves into about about four booths.  Kaz and Inej sat across from the two boys while Nina and Matthias sat behind them. _

_ As soon as they ordered, Jesper turned to him. “Hey, Wy?” _

_ “Hmm?” _

_ “We’ve been talking about next school year.” _

_ Nina turned around at that point, lifting herself up onto her knees.  _

_ “What?” _

_ “Now, I know you-” _

_ “There’s a music school in Blendt that you should go to,” Kaz said, bringing his mug of hot chocolate to his lips.  _

_ “What?” _

_ “You’ve said that already,” he pointed it out. “They can give you a really good scholarship.” _

_ “A music school?” _

_ “Wylan, I know you didn’t want to worry about this, but I want you to consider it.” _

_ He looked at his boyfriend, his silver eyes boring into the back of his head. “I don’t know-” _

_ “There’s a lot to figure out, I know. Though, it’s an option.” _

_ Kaz leaned in. “It won’t be a full scholarship.” _

_ He opened his mouth to object, but Inej was already speaking. “We know Van Eck won’t pay for anything. We’re offering a secret job at the coffee shop.” _

_ “An official dreg!” Nina cheered and ruffled his hair. _

_ “You’ll be able to live on campus and far away from your dad,” Inej said. _

_ He felt like crying. Or laughing. He hadn’t figured it out yet. “It’s like two hours away.”  _

_ “On the weekends, you can stay with me and Da,” Jesper said. “And your dad never has to know.” He ran a thumb across his cheek. “We’ve got you.” _

_ That’s how it went for the rest of the year. Wylan worked in secret from his father. Sure, there were probably some legal stand points that should have been evened out, but things were falling into place. _

_ Jesper wasn’t allowed to have the same shift as him because nothing would get done, although he did end up spending more time there when he wasn’t working, much to Kaz’s dismay. _

“Everyone go get some sleep. Thank you for coming.” Mr. Fahey said.

Wylan stood up. “No way I’m leaving.”

Inej rolled her eyes. “You have to be home so your ‘father’ doesn’t castrate you.” Wylan had to admit he loved the air quotes around father.

“I can stay.”

“No.” Kaz stood, twisting his cane in his grip. “Mr. Fahey will stay here tonight, but tomorrow morning we’ll start taking shifts.”

Inej nodded, and everyone started to leave the waiting room with stifled groans.

“Goodnight, you guys.”

Kaz got into the car with everyone this time. Matthias went by himself, which was a sad thought that didn’t occur to Wylan until they pulled out of the parking lot.

“Inej, will you be there in the morning to relieve him?”

She gave a sharp nod, with Nina volunteering to take shift after her.

“Four hour shifts. I’ll send out a text.”

Wylan glanced over at him. “Don’t they just want family in his room?” 

“It’s been taken care of.”

“Oh lord,” Nina said, but ended up nodding. “If there’s no news of what exactly happened, we need to keep an eye on him.”

  
  


The first thing Jesper noticed was how bright it was. When he realized where he was, he could only think about how he couldn’t afford this. He slowly blinked so his vision cleared. 

Memories from the night made Jesper’s heartbeat race. He was off his bike before he could figure out what was happening. He could feel his skin scratching on the pavement, and then suddenly, he couldn’t breathe. There were people screaming and he could have sworn he was going to die.

He turned to the window, where a few chairs sat, with his boyfriend curled up in one of them. Jesper sat himself up to watch him lay there. The bags under his eyes were painfully obvious.  _ How long has it been _ ? How long had his loved ones worried about him?

_ It’d be better if you just weren’t here. _

He took a deep breath, trying to disperse those thoughts. He opened his mouth to try and say something, but he found himself being too parched to speak.

 

_ “I need you to keep an eye on Wylan.” _

_ Jesper had only rolled his eyes and made some comment about the boy when Kaz had told him that.  Although, he always tried to prove himself to Kaz, as if he was trying to show he still had something to offer. So he ended up watching Wylan from a distance. _

_ He watched the boy wait to be picked up at the end of the day which usually took up to an hour. Wylan would normally be drawing or working on math homework. Today, he just stared forward on the stone bench that used to have some quote from the school’s founder that had long been faded. _

_ “You can stop following me, you know.” He turned around, only to find Jesper staring at his phone and leaning against the wall. “Fine. Pretend you don’t even notice me.” Somehow, Jesper could just hear the hidden words. ‘Just like everyone else.’ He bore the look of someone just as lonely as he. _

_ So, he put his phone away and plopped down next to him. “I guess I could stand to chat with you.” _

_ “Why do you try to hide? I’m not going to go back on my deal with Kaz.” _

_ He nodded, resting his head in his hands. “You seem smarter than that. Yes.” Then he turned to him. “I have to wait for my ride.” _

_ Wylan only snorted at that. “You ride the motorcycle. Sometimes a truck.” _

_ Jesper smirked. “You like to look at me, huh?” _

_ He rolled his eyes with a faint smile. “You make a big show of it.” _

_ He could only hum in response. _

_ “You should go, then.” _

_ “Nah, I have nothing else to do.” He licked his bottom lip. “And I’m sure I could find something to do with you.” _

_ He made a noise of disgust, but he was blushing with a grin he couldn’t hold back. He covered his eyes with his palms, and Jesper couldn’t help but be proud of the result of his hard work. _

_ Then a car pulled up with the window rolled down. “Mister Van Eck!” _

_ Jesper turned on him so quick, but he was already grabbing his bag. He didn’t say anything when he got in, leaving Jesper to consider the child of the wealthy businessman. _

“Wy.” he whispered insistently.

Unsurprisingly, he didn’t stir. 

_ Figures _ , he thought. He glanced around. His eyes found a series of cards on the counter near by. What really peaked his interest was a picture of all of them on the beach. It was where they had taken the road trip during winter break, which was not a great idea. It was too cold to do anything, but Wylan was thrilled.

He looked back at his boyfriend. He really should let him sleep, but instead, he reached for a spare pillow and launched it with what limited strength he had.

Wylan shot up quicker than thought possible.

 

_ He loved having the thrill after a competition. He changed out of the outfit set for the last dance, and pulled himself into his normal jeans. Most of the kids went out to visit their parents before changing to get pictures taken or whatever, but Jesper knew there wouldn’t be anyone waiting for him. _

_ He was almost able to slip out when a hand was placed on his shoulder and scared the living hell out of him. “JEESus-” _

_ “Sneaking away?” Inej asked. _

_ “I was trying.” _

_ “You’re staying at my house tonight.” _

_ He tilted his head. “Can’t my da-” _

_ She rolled her eyes, linking her arm with his. “We both know that you weren’t going home for another few hours.” _

_ Jesper winced, but walked with her anyways. In all honesty, he liked pretending that everything was fine and that he didn’t feel like the world was falling apart around him. So, when his gambling addiction was brought up, he felt like his mask was being ripped off his face. _

_ They strolled to the dim parking lot. “I heard you’re being recruited to the team.” _

_ Inej scoffed. “They’re trying. I already have so much to deal with on dance company.” _

_ “That’s because they’re all cheer bitches.” He tugged at her a bit. “C’mon, you’d be with me. We’d make a great team.” _

_ They rounded the corner where a few more people waited. “Jesper!” Wylan was jumping up and down with enough energy to compete with Jesper’s. He let go of Inej to hug his boyfriend tightly, crushing the roses in between them. “You were amazing!” _

_ “He wanted to see you perform so badly.” Kaz said, almost with a smile. _

_ Wylan was already blushing when they pulled away. They had been officially dating for two weeks, and Jesper had already decided that getting Wylan to blush was his favorite thing. _

_ “You did well tonight,” Matthias said from the back. _

_ Nina lightly hit him in the arm and shouted, “please! Our Jesper stole the show!” Matthias and Nina were still struggling, but it seemed like they were getting along quite nicely that night. _

_ He had to laugh at her enthusiasm.  _

_ Jesper snaked his arm around Wylan’s waist and he returned the motion with nuzzling into his side. I love you. The words were already on his tongue, but he didn’t feel ready to say it just yet. It was really soon for that, and he always dove into things a little too quick. _

_ “Let’s go get some waffles!” Nina punched the air and they all started piling into Matthias’ car.  _

_ His friends didn’t go to most of his performances. So, he knew that Wylan had probably brought it up. He’d die for these people in a heartbeat. That’s probably not a good thing.  _

“Jesper!” Wylan snapped up. “You’re okay!” He jumped over to him on the bed and almost hugged him, but held back. “Are you in pain? I need to call someone? You’re probably hungry or thirsty-” He went to the other side of the room. He picked up a water bottle and a half eaten granola bar and handed it to him.

He collapsed back into the chair. 

Jesper took three huge gulps of water before Wylan said, “should I have given you that?”

“ _ Water _ -” he said through a hoarse gasp. 

Wylan sat back with a small smile. “Do you feel okay, then?”

“Just great.”

Wylan hummed. “Yeah, you have a broken collar bone amongst other things.”

“Oh lord.”

His boyfriend chuckled. The tension from his expression slowly dissipating.

Jesper moved himself to the side of the bed, pushing through the sudden pain. He tapped the bed, and Wylan wasted no time with crawling in beside him.

_ Wylan had taken off his sneakers and socks just to feel his feet in the sand. Jesper had told him it can get stuck for days, but he didn’t listen. When he rubbed his toes in, he turned to his boyfriend and shrugged. “It might just be romanticized.” _

_ “Most things are.” _

_ Wylan pushed himself under Jesper’s arm, but Jesper couldn’t find himself to complain. He loved having his curly haired boyfriend at his side. It helped unwind his head. He took a deep breath while the wind continued to blow. It wasn’t freezing, but it wasn’t anywhere near the temperature that Jesper would have prefered. _

_ Jesper slowly switched their positions so that he was holding Wylan from behind, his arms rested under his firmly crossed ones. Though, when he started to sway, Wylan whined, “I’m not dancing, Jes!” _

_ He tried to push his way out of Jesper’s arms half heartedly. “Jesper, nooo.” He laughed from behind him. He opened his arms, but ended up swinging his poor short boyfriend back a bit too far. He only got to relish his victory for a moment before he fell down on top of him. _

_ Jesper had never heard Wylan laugh so hard, and Jesper had made some top notch jokes. It made Jesper’s heart swell.  _

_ “I love you.” Jesper pulled his face so it was inches away from Wylan’s. _

_ “I love you, too.” Before Wylan could get the chance, Jesper was heaving the two of them onto their feet. He ran towards where the others were nearly twenty feet away. _

_ “I LOVE WYLAN VAN ECK!” _

_ “Jesper!”  _

_ He cackled, but as they drew close to where Nina laid on a towel he pulled Wylan into his arms, using his momentum to perch him onto Jesper’s hips. _

_ “You’re so dramatic.” _

_ “You love it.” _

_ Wylan reached to the back of Jesper’s neck, and brought him into a kiss. _

_ Jesper had a lot more baggage than Wylan knew. While he had been informed about the misbehaviors and addictions, he had yet to see how it could destroy Jesper. He was terrified to see how Wylan would react. How he would recoil like a snake. The trust would be broken and he wasn’t sure if he could bare the look in Wylan’s eyes. So, he held him close, twirling them around until they fell again. _

 

Wylan picked up his phone and started dialing. 

“Who are you calling?”

“Your dad.” he deadpanned.

Jesper couldn’t keep himself from hissing. “What?” He hated seeing his dad. It’s awful, but more often than not he was disappointing him. The gambling, the drinking, and now a horrid motorcycle crash. He was costing too much energy and money.

“I told him I’d call when you woke up.”

“You could wait a little while. So, it’s just the two of us.” He winked, but Wylan wasn’t amused.

“Kaz is showing up in twenty minutes to relieve me. Either way, I can’t stay.” He shrugged sheepishly. “Sorry, babe.”

Jesper  _ loved  _ when Wylan used nicknames. He rarely did, but it just made him swoon. “Alright.”

Wylan was already on the phone with Colm. A small conversation went on, but Wylan’s soft smile made Jesper relax just a little bit. 

When he hung up, Wylan looked up at him and gave a quick kiss on the cheek.

 

_ He kept thrumming his fingers on the counter. The itch was overwhelming. Jesper knew Matthias wouldn’t let him check out early. That’s why Kaz placed Jesper with him. It was a little under and hour, and the only customer that was here was in the back corner on his laptop. _

_ He thought the silence would kill him, until the bell rang. He glanced up to see Wylan. _

_ “Hey,” he gave a soft wave. _

_ “Hello, my sweet.” _

_ “I hate that one.” He came forward and leaned on the countertop.  _

_ He brushed the side of his face. “I know.” _

_ Wylan glanced at his other hand which continued to twitch. “You should probably go help Matthias. It’ll keep you distracted.” _

_ “Nah, he’s already mad for me snapping at him.” _

_ That’s how the rest of the night went, with Wylan distracting him with small tasks to do around the shop. It wasn’t much, but it did help soothe the beast for a small while. He dusted the lights, and restocked all the napkins while Matthias started to clean the machines. It was meaningless work, but didn’t get done often enough.  _

_ As soon as every customer cleared out, they took out the trash and did a check of the doors before leaving.  _

_ “How did you get here anyways?” He lead his boyfriend out the back door.  _

_ “It was a nice walk.” _

_ He blanched. “What? That’s like-” _

_ “Four miles.” _

_ Wylan made a grin, and gripped the seams of his pants. “Yeah. It was easier with these-” He lifted up his pants to reveal some heelys, and Jesper thought he had died for a small moment. _

_ “Oh my god.” He was wheezing not long after that. He had the perfect boyfriend. He might have been the luckiest person in the world to see Wylan’s silly side. All he did was wrap his arms around Wylan and kiss him as passionately as their environment would allow.  _

_ Matthias side eyed them before heading to his truck. Jesper knew he didn’t have the best relationship with him, but he didn’t care enough to change it.   _

_ When they separated, he said in between harsh breaths, “I’ll take you home.” _

_ They made it back to the estate and Jesper quickly checked the time. He could probably make a few rounds. “Do you want to come inside?” _

_ “What?” _

_ Jesper could see his blush even with the dim light outside. “My dad’s gone on a business trip, and Alys already knows there might be someone over tonight.” _

_ “I-” He glanced back at the time. He wouldn’t be able to go to the game. The tapping restarted on the break. After a long time of silence, Wylan just nodded. _

_ “You should go if that’s where you’d rather be.” _

_ It wasn’t though. The environment was horrible, and the people who all played were rotten to be around. _

_ “I know it’s hard to even consider quitting.” _

_ He felt like he was being doused in cold water. “Babe-” _

_ “I don’t want you to even think about that.” He took his hand, squeezing it lightly. “Just choose me tonight.” He could feel how tense Wylan was. _

_ There was a long moment, but he had to focus on the peace he felt around Wylan. “Okay.” _

_ He didn’t regret his choice.  _

 

He didn’t know he had fallen asleep until he woke up on Wylan’s chest, which was moving slowly up and down. He didn’t want to move, but the figure that stood in front of them caused Jesper to sit up.

“Alive and well, I see.”

“Worried?”

Wylan started to stir, but didn’t completely wake.

“I wouldn’t say that.”

Jesper smirked, slowly running his hand up and down Wylan’s arm.

“Has Colm been told?”

“Wylan called.”

There was a small moment where they were silent, but it was quickly interrupted with a squeal. “He lives!” Nina jumped forward, but stopped when she saw Wylan. She turned her head with a soft expression. “I’m here for him.”

“He’s got to get home.”

If Jesper wasn’t injured, he’d probably pick him up and take him to Nina’s car, but knowing the other two wouldn’t, he started to shake him. “Come on, love.”

He whined, but quickly shut up when he saw the other two in the room.

Kaz stayed silent at the edge of the bed while Wylan gathered his things, and Nina chattered on. “Everyone’s going to be so relieved to know you’re alright,” she said sweetly.

Wylan gave him one last look before they left.

 

_ He wasn’t surprised when Kaz rounded the corner, cane tapping on the ground. “Jesus Christ, Fahey. What was your plan?” _

_ Jesper knew it wasn’t a good idea to get drunk behind a gas station just outside of town. Yet, he managed to pull another can up to his lips. He was allowed to be his worst self again because just maybe, he would never be good enough for anyone, even when he was trying his hardest. _

_ “So, you were going to get drunk and try to drive home? Or were you going to pass out here and kill your father with worry.” _

_ “Nah.” He didn’t even look up at him. “You’re here, aren’t you?” _

_ He waited a second, pursing his lips. “Nina’s in the car. Get your ass up.” _

_ Jesper scoffed. “I like it here.” _

_ “You and Wylan will be fine if you keep yourself together.” _

_ Wylan. He wasn’t sure if he could stand looking him in the face again. He knew he’d die for that boy in a second. Then he waited for just a moment. “Inej and Matthias are with him?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “You think he’ll want me back.” It wasn’t a question, but it stung just a bit. He shook his head. “I think we’re better off without each other.” _

_ “Really?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “No one knew his secret. No one would protect him. He had no escape from his father before he met you.” _

_ He stood up. “He can do better, and he’ll realize that! I helped him start being…” He stopped, unsure of where he was going. “Realizing the amazing person he is.” He felt himself sinking against the wall. “It was going to end one day.” _

_ He could basically hear Kaz’s eye roll. “You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. And you can’t just start relationships expecting them to end.” _

_ “Oh, instead, avoid the whole situation entirely?” He glared up at his friend.  _

_ He had nothing to say to that. “Let’s go.” _

_ “Fuck no. Why don’t you want to talk about this?” Jesper felt his rage piling up. His protectiveness for Inej. “Is it the fact that you know that you’re hurting her because of your own fear of failure?” _

_ “You don’t know anything about it.” _

_ “Really? Who do you think she goes to?” He said, folding his arms. “Nina and I always are here to pick up the pieces you leave her in.” _

_ “Jesper.” _

_ It was a warning, but he was far too drunk to listen to it.  _

_ “So, yeah. I’m fine with a failing relationship because trust me,” he leaned forward. “I’ll remember Wylan forever. You won’t even have a chance to get those memories with Inej.” _

_ That’s when he threw the first punch. _

_ It was a blur. A mess of hands and stupid wrestling. Nina was the one to come around and break them up.  _

_ “I don’t have time for this!” She pulled Kaz off of Jesper. Frankly, in a better mentality Jesper probably could have taken him, but Kaz had a high pain threshold. There he sat, in the back of Nina’s subaru getting chewed out. _

_ “You suffered a break up. Tough shit. You’ll be fine.” She glanced back at him through the rear view mirror. “We’re in high school. The love of your life probably isn’t in your english class. Don’t ruin your life to do something dumb because your hurt over a boy.” _

_ “Matthias.” _

_ “Shut your mouth.” She scowled. “Let me give you my wisdom.” _

_ “You’re five months older than me.” _

_ “Jesper. If it’s meant to be. It’ll work out, and I’m sure Wylan just needs time. That kid is so in love with you, and sometimes you can be a bit overbearing with your compassion.”  _

_ The worst part about that was how little Nina knew about how overbearing it could actually be. He liked to think it was from all the people he’s lost, but a soft memory of his father laughing with his mother glowed in the back of his mind. _

 

Kaz stared at him for a long while before speaking, “your antics have finally caught up with you.”

“What?”

“Who do you owe money to?” He twisted his cane in front of him.

Jesper could only hang his head for a moment. “I’ve lost count.”

“Someone fucking hates you, Jes.”

“They hit me on purpose.” 

“Either that or you became very unlucky.” Pause. “That might be an actual possibility.”

Jesper shook his head, noting the pain that shot through his neck. “What happened?”

Kaz explained how everything lined up perfectly. The lighting, the cameras, and how they just drove off. Flashing memories of his skin burning while the lights flashed. 

There was the pang of guilt that tended to overwhelm him. That he deserved every second of this.  Though, he knew the things Wylan would say about it, running a hand over his jaw.  _ “You are so much more than you can see.” _

He covered his face with his hands, ignoring the sting on his skin as he did so.

Kaz didn’t say anything else for a while, just watching him. 

 

_ He remembered how much time he spent on his ask. It was stupid, honestly. The end of the school year, and he had worked harder in his classes than ever before. He was studying constantly with Wylan and now his stupid teachers were asking if he’d think about being in honors classes. Although, he knew he didn’t want to be in with the students who try to hard to kiss their teachers’ asses. Although, this had nothing to do with them. It was about Wylan, and showing off his favorite person in the world. _

_ He had been recording some of this thoughts over the previous weeks.  _

_ “I stopped by your school today right before your last class. Honestly, I’m happy that I can still get you to blush. It’s one of my favorite things.” He stopped the recording, all of which was true, but he didn’t mention that it was Kaz’s idea to come by that day. He had yet to find out his ulterior motive. _

_ He exited the academy to head to his bike, where it was decorated quite delightfully with his favorite color with balloons, and a sign with a soft curly handwriting. _

 

_ ‘Jesper Fahey, would you please, consider going to prom with me?’ _

 

_ He turned to see his boyfriend, partly shocked to see him not in class. “I got permission to come in late for this.” _

_ “Fuck.” _

_ He blinked, slightly alarmed. “What is it?” _

_ “Nothing.” He had to get it done today, he decided. Wylan couldn’t just one up him like this. He ran in and twirled his boyfriend, getting him to release a silly giggle. “But, I  _ guess _ , I can go to prom with you. If I’m free.” _

_ “Idiot.” _

_ He winked. “You’re coming by the shop, right?” _

_ “After class,” he said with great insistence.  _

_ “Fine.” He stole a kiss, and went to his bike. “I’ll see you then.” _

_As soon as he made it to the coffee shop, he started editing. He had to finish this. He paid Kaz extra to help him burn it onto a CD, unsurprisingly with a lot of complaining on his part._ _“You two can’t keep expecting me to help you guys.”_

_ “Yes, we can.” He paused to put a shit eating grin on his face. “It’s because you love us.” _

_ While he didn’t object, he did roll his eyes, but Jesper counted it as a win. _

_ Inej agreed to climb in and deliver it, after it was in a case with a bow taped on top. _

_ “Look at you. The romantic,” she nudged him after coming down.  _

_ When Wylan got home, Jesper waited by the window, and soon enough, he was calling him. “Hey, merchling.” _

_ “Nice job.” _

_ “You couldn’t out do me. Not this time.” _

_ He could feel his scoff. “You procrastinated.” _

_ “You know me so well,” he said. When Wylan looked out the window, he blew a kiss, and he just knew that Wylan was blushing up to his ears. _

 

His itch to play cards was coming back, unsurprisingly. “I can’t afford this.”

“Obviously.”

He groaned, and pulled his hands over his face. “This could ruin us.” He hated the fact that he was falling apart in front of Kaz. Though, this whole thing was just another thing for his friends and family to worry about. He was always destroying the good things he had. Maybe he was broken.

“You’re going to be fine.” He sat down the chair Wylan was in earlier. 

Jesper was already blinking tears away when he looked up at him. Kaz was very literal, and when he said something, he often meant it. Though, that was only true if he had an ounce of respect for you, and since the incident, he wasn’t sure if Kaz trusted him.

“I have a job.”

“You always have a job.”

“It’ll pay off your expenses.”

So, he did his best at leaning forward and listening to what Kaz had to say.

 

_ Choosing between the two proms was a hard choice mostly because the Little Palace Academy’s had snacks, and Ketterdam High’s had all of their friends. Either way, it was a chance to dance with his boyfriend. _

_ In all honesty, though, they didn’t do a lot of dancing. They slow danced twice at the Little Palace, but he could see that Wylan was uncomfortable from his flushed expression, so he had Wylan show him the way around the school. While he wasn’t as good at picking locks as Kaz, he was able to get them into the library with little trouble. Wylan curled up against him and Jesper picked one of his old favorites.  _

_ “Thank you,” he said, whispering into Jesper’s shoulder. _

_ Though, the Ketterdam high dance went differently. The six of them basically attended together. Nina had asked Matthias in their apartment during a huge party. Matthias hated hosting things, but he could see how Nina loved it. She loved to show off everything and in her own environment.  _

_ To everyone’s surprise, Kaz asked Inej. He went out on a limb, and no one really knew how it happened, but Inej had come to school with the news that she would be attending with him. They were never public about their relationship, but seeing how comfortable Inej was around him made Jesper so happy. _

_ The loud music quickly pulled Wylan out of the gym, and Jesper followed him with short words of comfort. He wished his boyfriend wouldn’t get so worried about leaving somewhere he didn’t like. Watching Wylan blubber apologies for not being able to handle it made Jesper sick.  _

_ Nina switched between Inej and Matthias for dancing partners in the gym for a short while longer, but eventually Kaz led Inej upstairs and then onto the roof. Soft music played, and everything seemed to fade into the background when Wylan saw the set up. _

_ Kaz had recruited Jesper and Nina to set this up for prom, and brushed off all of their comments about him being a hopeless romantic. Though, neither of them had room to talk. _

_ He heard Inej suck in a breath, but Wylan just stood there with a dumbstruck look on his face. _

_ Jesper wouldn’t trade that night for anything. He got to pull Wylan in close to dance with him as they spun around on the roof. Jesper danced with Inej, Nina and once with Kaz, much to his reluctance. He kept his gloves on, but Jesper didn’t expect anything different. _

_ Inej sat on the edge with Kaz for most of the night, with a soft smile on her face. It was peaceful, and in a few weeks, the school year would be over and they could spend the summer together before Wylan went to Blendt.  _

_ He held him close throughout the night. He had to do everything he could to keep this from falling apart. _

 

“Jes,” his father ran through the doorway before Kaz could say anything else. One glance over, and he could tell that the conversation wasn't over. “You’re okay.”

“I am.”

Kaz frowned. “I’m going to head out.” He was gone before either of them could respond.”

“We all thought we might lose you, son.”

It ached to know that people were worried. Sometimes, he thought if he could disappear without anyone noticing, he should. Though, as his father sat down next to him, and clutched his hand, he knew he couldn’t stomach leaving any of them.

“I’m glad you’re okay.”

Jesper wanted to pull his knees up to his chest. To feel any sort of comfort, but he could barely move. “I can fix this,” he said, his voice breaking.

“Don’t worry about it. You matter more than anything we’re going to face.”

Jesper remembered when his mother died. How his father had fallen apart. He hated how much his father cared about his damaged son. 

“Jesper, I’m serious. We’ll figure this out. I’ve already checked and they’d like to keep you here for another day, but I can take you home tomorrow.”

“Thanks, da.” He felt himself losing his ability to keep it together, like the dam had broken. “I don’t know-” He sucked in a sharp breath, but tears were already coming. He couldn’t get out a full sentence while he sobbed.

 

_ It was the week before finals, and they had piled them all in the coffee shop to study. Jesper and Nina had stocked up on snacks and it ended up having less studying than some would have wanted, specifically Matthias and Wylan.  _

_ Eventually, Jesper was worn down by his boyfriend to actually glance over his notes. _

_ Inej was tossing pieces of popcorn over to Nina who was making a sad attempt at catching them in her mouth.  _

_ He ended up quizzing Wylan on the classes he was struggling with, specifically history and economics. English was a whole other monster that he was going to have to deal with. Technically, Nina was helping him cheat, which Kaz was compensating her for. It was part of their original contract.   _

_ It eventually calmed back down from academics, and they were just lounging again. Jesper felt himself checking the time over and over again, very aware that there was a game going on with a few of his peers. Sure, he was able to resist getting up from the table and leaving at the first possible chance, but his head continued to remind him that he was missing it. He had to be acutely aware what he was trying to avoid, and ignoring it wasn’t an option. _

_ Wylan eventually saw his unease settle in, and he looked up and said, “would you like to try a few of your math problems?” _

_ He pursed his lips. Jesper didn’t know why he hated doing things like this in front of Wylan. His boyfriend was well aware that Jesper struggled with a lot of things in school, but that was mostly due to his inability to focus during a lecture, causing him to miss most of the information. Little did Wylan know that he had stopped going all together over the past few weeks. _

_ Jesper knew he wasn’t going to be able to pass the class, and he wasn’t about to waste his time in school.  _

_ “I’m good.” _

_ “Are you sure?” _

_ “Just fine.” _

_ He made that look, obviously disbelieving. “Why are you lying?” _

_ Jesper licked his lips, preparing an argument for giving up. “I just don’t want to try when I know I can’t do it.” _

_ He saw Kaz’s gaze flick up at that. All of the movement slowed to a stop. _

_ “I’m sure you can, Jes,” Wylan insisted. “I can help.” _

_ He shook his head. “You-” he tried to remain calm, but everything pent up inside began to bubble out. “You just don’t understand.” _

_ Wylan opened his mouth to speak, but stopped himself. _

_ It was an overwhelming sense of panic when he felt himself jumping out of his seat and over the others to get out of the building. It was less like a rushed walk and more like a spazzy prance.  _

_ Threw himself up against the wall as soon as he made it out, grasping at his hair and face, as if he were trying to convince himself the reality of the situation. His usual confidence was crumbling, and he could barely even keep his composure in front of his friends. _

_ Inej was the one to come outside. “Hey.” _

_ He didn’t say anything. _

_ “Wylan wanted to come right after you, you know.” She made a soft chuckle. “He’ll probably want to talk to you later.” _

_ He rolled his eyes, causing Inej to sigh. “It’s nice out.” _

_ “Nej, you don’t need to beat around the bush.” _

_ “There’s no bush to beat around. If you are going to be outside, I’d like to be out here with you.” _

_ He risked a glance over to her, and saw her soft eyes focused on the street.  _

_ “You should talk to Wylan about this.” _

_ “I don’t think there’s anything to talk about.” _

_ She snorted. “Right.” _

_ “He’s going to do amazing things, and-” he sighed.  Maybe admitting it was the hardest part. “And I’m still going to be here battling my…” _

_ “Addiction?” she suggested. _

_ “Yeah. Something like that. I’m trying to give it up, but I can’t sleep or focus on anything. My grades have  _ dropped. _ ” _

_ Inej just sat there, listening.  _

_ “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel like I’m giving up at every turn, and I can’t do everything that I want to. Not for myself, and not for him.” He glanced through the window, where his boyfriend caught his eye. _

_ “You know,” she said. “You have the same look in your eyes that Wylan did when he first told me about his condition. He was so afraid that he’d be limited in ways that you wouldn’t understand.” Inej paused. “Of course, you had already found out and not cared, but he still worried.” _

_ “But he’s so much better than I am.” _

_ “I think it’s just you that sees that. You’re two different people, and that’s okay. Look and Nina and Matthias. They’re both incredibly strong, and amazing, but they are far from the same person and they both have different priorities.” _

_ “Or you and Kaz.” _

_ She dipped her head. “It’s true.” They were both quiet for a long time, but the sound of moving cars and Jesper’s twitching hands filled the silence. “When you feel like you can’t do everything, you have people you can lean on.” _

_ “I can’t do that to you. I dug myself into this hole.” He felt ready to die in it. _

_ She shook her head. “We’re all here to help you better yourself. You may not be able to do it, but we all can help. It isn’t a burden, it’s just what friends do. It’s what we did for Wylan when he was ready, and we’ll do the same for you when you’re ready. Just give us the chance.” _

_ With that she went back inside, and unsurprisingly, Wylan sprinted out as soon as she gave the clear. _

_ “Jesper- I’m sorry.” _

_ He didn’t expect that. “What?” _

_ “I just wanted to help you keep your mind off of the gambling, and I- I’m the reason you’re out here. If you don’t want to do math, it’s fine. We can do anything else.” _

_ Jesper stared. “I’m not mad at you.” _

_ “Maybe you should be!” _

_ He raised an eyebrow. “Because you tried to get me to do a math problem?” _

_ “I… Uh…” _

_ “You were doing the right thing, Wy. You always are.” _

_ “Not true-” _

_ “I’m just a problem.”   _

_ “That’s bullshit,” Wylan said all too quickly. He looked away with a slight flush across his face. He opened his mouth, without anything coming out. “We all mess up sometimes, but there’s nothing wrong with letting the people who love you help fix it.” Wylan held out his hand. _

_ “I…” He wasn’t entirely sure why he was hesitating, but he was frozen, regardless. “I can’t.” _

_ “What’s wrong with not doing things alone?” _

_ He had to depend on others so much. Kaz gave him a job, Inej talked sense into him, and the others helped give him a home, when it was too shameful to go back to his father. He was so tired of depending on others, and it was almost as if he didn’t have anything to give back. He continued to take. _

_ “I’m never going to be good enough. I can try my hardest, but if I can’t-” He felt himself losing his grip on everything. “I’ll lose everything.” _

_ “We’re going to stand by you in your worst moments. That’s what  you did for me.” _

_ “I don’t deserve it.” _

_ “Why not? You’re always putting yourself below me and the others, and I don’t understand it.” _

_ “What’s there to not understand? I’m an addict. I’ve ruined my father’s life, and I can’t stop-” breaking everything. Saying it outloud broke him into tears. _

_ “Jes,” he reached out and touched his face. “You get that stupid shit out of your head right now. I know you wouldn’t allow me to say that, and believe it or not, you deserve respect and love, just as I do.” He stared at him, those blue eyes causing his breath to hitch. _

_ “I’m not giving up on you because you’re amazing, even if you can’t see it right now. I wouldn’t believe you if you had told me that I’d have friends and people that care about me eight months ago, but I’m getting there. So please, look at me.” _

_ Jesper wasn’t sure if he could look away. _

_ “You’re not a burden because we want to stand next to you, even when you’re struggling.”  _

_ They stood like that for a while, with Wylan humming. He got his point across, and Jesper wasn’t going to push it. Maybe this is what his father meant when said that he thought Wylan was a good fit for him. _

 

The day they gave him the okay to go home, Kaz insisted he stayed the night at his place before Colm came to get him. “Kaz, I don’t need to stay here.”

He didn’t respond, just shuffling papers on his desk. “We’re not here for you.”

Kaz never let anyone stay with him. When Nina was kicked out, he made sure she had a place, but even then he didn’t resort to letting her live with him. Luckily, it wasn’t long before Matthias was eighteen and severed ties with his crazy adopted father. Jesper tried hard not to question it, though. Kaz had a reason for this, and it wasn’t Jesper’s well being.

Wylan had come by, hugging him and peppering his face with kisses before heading home.

Kaz watched Jesper kiss him goodnight. 

“You’d do anything to get him out of his father’s house.” It was a fact. He hated it when Kaz just said things about him, as if to emphasize the point.

Jesper nodded. There wasn’t more to be said. “He’s going to the school in Blendt-”

“It’s a temporary solution.”

“How so? By time he’s eighteen-”

Kaz shook his head. “As long as Wylan is around he’ll be a threat to Jan Van Eck. He doesn’t see him as a son, but as a liability.”

“When Wylan’s an adult, there’s nothing he can do.”

Kaz frowned. “We need to destroy him. So that there is nothing he can do to him.”

“You aren’t doing this for Wy.”

He saw a smirk grow on Kaz’s face. “You asked me a long time ago why I sought him out.”

He recalled that day, and he already felt himself start to panic. “You planned this.” He remembered Kaz saying everything would be fine between him and Wylan, as if he could control this. Was Kaz really the only factor in their relationship?  
“I couldn’t guess everything.”

“You’ve been using Wylan since the beginning.”  _ He’s being used again _ .

He shrugged. “I use everyone.”

“We’re not pawns in your game, Kaz!”

Kaz just waited for him to pace around the room a few times, continually babbling complaints.  

He eventually came to a stop. “Why now?”

“I was going to tell you around december, but after the incident with Inej. Though, I have to say waiting has paid off.”

“What do you mean?”

“Van Eck has plans to destroy his son’s life as soon as he’s eighteen.”

“What?”

“I thought it was curious that he was letting his defective son out of his sight, and that’s because it doesn’t matter. Not only his he stripping Wylan of his own name, he has plans to ruin the lives of everyone who has any sort of relation to him. Starting with your father’s farm.”

“How did you-”

“Of course, Van Eck doesn’t plan to get his hands dirty. God no, a wealthy white man could never. He’s using someone else to rid the pests of his life.” 

He watched Kaz continue to talk. It was as if he had this memorized just for this occasion. “Yet, he’s done this before. Inej was able to do some digging.”

“Really?”

He stared Jesper down, making him shudder. “Wylan may never forgive you, and I’m sure you’ve already considered that. If we do this right, I ensure your recently acquired hospital bills will be taken care of, and your father won’t have to worry about your debts for a long while.”

Wylan already hated Jesper digging in his life. His boyfriend wanted to be the one to start deciding things for his life. Jesper knew it wasn’t fair, but Kaz had already peaked his interest. 

“I’d like you and your boyfriend to go see someone.”

Jesper knew there was no point in trying to ask him who it was.

“So, Jesper. What do you know about Marya Hendriks?”

  
  



End file.
